Top vs Dominant: Figuring Out Roles Part One

Defining roles in BDSM and kinky dynamics is one of the more challenging aspects of discovering who you are, and what you like in this realm of erotic/sexual play. There are so many terms that get thrown around in kink that it can be hard to keep them all straight, and cause a challenge in identifying your needs and wants to a potential kinky suitor. It is my keen desire to help you, my dearest reader, to sort out the basic ideologies of Top vs Dominant, so you can at least understand and articulate some of your basic kinky wants. 


Top vs Dominant:


So a tricky thing to remember is a Dominant is always a Top, but a Top isn’t always a Dominant.  


In gay and lesbian sexual culture a Top is considered to be the penetrator, in other words they are the person inserting an object (often a penis or dildo) into the other partners orficies (I love the word orfice, it’s sooooooo naughty and yet not naughty at the same time).  


In BDSM the Top is considered to be the giver of the negotiated act or acts.  I find these definitions misleading a bit. I think of the Top as the person temporarily in charge of the play time, there may or may not be a control dynamic going on here, but they’re the ones that are doing the work, whether it’s physical or mental, of what happens and when it happens.  Some wonderful examples of this can often be seen within the world of rope where an individual loves tying folks up, but may not want any more responsibility than simply enjoying the act of creating beautiful bondage. Someone like this is well and aptly known as a Rope Top. 


Being a Dominant is a more defining role, it’s someone who enjoys playing with power exchange concepts and ideas, they crave control in not just a scene, but often in other aspects of their time with their partner. A Dominant desires a submissive partner who consensually places them in this position of power for the length of their involvement. A great example is someone who enjoys the role of master, and wants to engage with somebody identifying as a consensual slave in a kinky dynamic.


Not everyone who plays with fetishes and kinks truly wants the responsibility of being in control, even if they enjoy being in the proverbial “captain’s” chair for the moment. It’s good to determine for yourself if you want to just be in control of certain acts or of the whole situation, once you do a wonderful new world of playtime opens up for you. This knowledge can free you up to communicate and achieve the type of play that you find deeply fulfilling. So get on out there, my dear reader, and explore your desires with the confidence and knowledge of what you enjoy the most.  


~Gem

 




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